Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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