ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
