She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
