Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize