I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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