His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
