YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
