I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
