I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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