Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
