guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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