I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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