I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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