Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
