I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
