not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Randomize
