Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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