I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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