if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
