even my farts smell like vagina
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
