booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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