I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
