i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
