Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think i got beer on your cat.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
