I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
God I need to hump something, right now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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