the condom got lost in my hair
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
