So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
