I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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