I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
