that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
