I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
