I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
