just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize