i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
