he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
