Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize