Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
