i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
