My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We have so much sex to catch up on
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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