I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
