i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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