Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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