Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
