A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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