ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
