you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
