Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
