Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
