I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
