bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So much rum. So many feels.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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