I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
