my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
