I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
