the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
