i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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