Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
