I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
