So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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