someone threw a dead crab at me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just cropdusted the office
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
