Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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