Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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