shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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