im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
